Father Hunger

by Dr. Dan Collins

On this Father's Day, I thought it was appropriate to talk about an issue I frequently see with the men and women I care for in my practice. This issue is father hunger, the yearning of boys and girls for the connection with their father or a father figure in their lives has been skillfully addressed by a number of leading mental health practitioners (Viorst, Margo, and Herzog). By Divine design, fathers were created to offer their children protection, correction, and connection. Mothers offer some of the same qualities; it's just that fathers do it in a different way. And when this fatherly presence is absent or lacking, it creates a cavernous void in the emotional life of the person.

Girls yearn to have their fathers show them that they are loved unconditionally. Girls need their fathers to tell them that they are pretty, and smart; they need to be told that they can do anything they put their minds to doing. Girls need to be touched by their dad's in ways that feel safe and affirming. True fatherly love teaches her what real love is from a man, so when a gentleman approaches her later on, she will be able to tell the genuine article from a fake because she was already exposed to the real thing from dad. Once she has been the subject of her father's love, she is much less vulnerable to tolerate being the object of a man's lust. The internalized message from dad goes a long way to building her self-esteem.

On the other hand, Boys yearn just as much for fatherly attention. Boys also need to be touched by their dads. Boys love the games in which they are tossed up in the air and caught, lovingly held upside down like many dads do. Boys also need their dads to teach them how to become a man. This is so important because the idea of manhood gets dwarfed by the teaching of being macho. The problem with the macho model is that it is so limited. Machismo teaches us to not ask for help, even when we are clueless, to not admit when we are feeling pain. On the health front for example, machismo translates into death for some men because we refuse to go to the doctor at the earliest signs of discomfort, because of the nonsense that "real men shouldn't say when they hurt".

Dads need to show their sons that they can be strong, protectors and providers for their families. But at the same time, being a man is about being courageous enough to be honest about our thoughts and feelings with the ones we love. Machismo also mis-educates men that the only feeling we are allowed to have is anger; that we shouldn't share and show our true feelings. This is a crucial lesson we dads need to pass on to our sons. When this father-to-son training is missing, the model of manhood becomes broken and distorted. Boys yearn to learn how to become a man.

You don't have to be a biological father to show fatherly interest. Step-fathers and other father figures can fill in the gap when dad's are not available. Father figures can come from anywhere in the community: neighborhoods, houses of worship, school, work, etc. Father figures can do enormous good by filling in the gap when birth fathers are missing. So I'm putting a call out to all fathers, biological ones and father figures: we are hungry for your protection, correction and connection. We celebrate you on your day. Happy Father's day!

Dr Dan is a Licensed Psychologist, Ordained Minister and the author bestselling book The Trauma Zone: Trusting God for Emotional Healing